The one question that I have tried to answer over the years is "What is Coaching"? Yesterday I decided to spend some time cleaning up my garden in the front of my townhouse. Ever since I moved in I wondered what I would do with this garden. The truth is that I have not done much gardening. There were many questions that came up for me. Which are the weeds and which are not? What if I do it wrong? What will I plant? The one thing that I knew was that I needed to "start" somewhere, so I picked a corner and began disturbing the soil. Once I started it was just a matter of following my intuition and deciding in each moment what I would do next. As I continued I realized that coaching is just like gardening with help. I enjoyed my solitude, yet it would have been so much easier if I was gardening with someone.

The weeds in the garden are a metaphor for our thoughts and beliefs. As the weeds get pulled it starts to open a space for something new. It also allows everything else space to grow. There is also a constant thought of what will this look like when I am finished. Coaching is simply that. A safe space to look at your life as if it were a garden. What is working? What is not? What is possible? What can you plant that will bring you joy? What needs to change? Coaching is about trusting your intuition and making positive change in your life, with support and guidance, so that your flowers can begin to flourish.

Looks like I'm ready to plant some flowers

Yesterday I was having a conversation with my Mom and she was sharing with me a situation that was unfolding between her and her Sister. My Mom and her sister have not seen each other face to face in about 44 years and their relationship has been rocky for as long as I can remember. My Mom's sister lives in Holland and my Mom lives here in BC. I won't share with you the actual story, however I will say that as my Mom shared her version of the story, my intuition peaked and I knew that something wasn't adding up. My Mom was quite angry about an email that her sister wrote. I asked my Mom to forward the email which was written in Dutch, so that I could translate it on Google and read it for myself. When I finished reading, I had a completely different perspective of the situation that I shared with my Mom. My Mom could not immediately understand what I was saying as she was painting a completely different picture based on her version of the story which includes 44 years of emotion. The end result was that my Mom was able to see what I meant and see the story from her Sisters perspective and begin to heal the current situation. My Mom called me today and thanked me and said, "You were right". Although it is great to hear my Mom say that, the overall story brought me great sadness, for my Mom and her Sister. It made me wonder, how many other misunderstandings have they had that could have been easily resolved? I have seen my share of conflict and I have played a role in resolving much conflict in the workplace. This situation really touched me on a deeper level and made me wonder, how many other people find themselves in this type of situation.

If you think of an iceberg, 80% is under the surface and 20% is above the surface. In regards to conflict in relationships we are usually only focusing on the surface, the truth exists under the surface. When emotion is involved, we look at the situation with judgement, we make assumptions and we filter our experience through our beliefs and past experience. This can make it extremely difficult for the truth to surface.

The story above is probably the same as many others, we share our version of events with friends and family and they listen and support us in anyway they can. Yet the truth never comes to the surface because we are the storytellers of our reality. In this particular situation, I was able to be neutral enough that I could help my Mom to break through her reality and uncover the truth, which is not easy to do for family. Normally, I would not have asked to read the email, this time I did, which had a tremendous impact.

When I review my own experiences there are two ways in which I have been able to bring truth to the surface. First, there were times when a friend would be brutally honest and would challenge my thoughts and allow me the space to see the truth for myself. The second was that I was able to reflect on and challenge my reality and begin to see the situation from the other persons perspective. Prior to this, I would live in the illusion that I created until it was time for the story to change. There are three sides to every situation; your story, their story and the truth and when the truth emerges it has the power to dissolve emotion.

synergy: [noun] a mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements.

When coaching clients, the topic of Work Life Balance frequently comes up. When I think of the phrase "Work Life Balance" it seems to indicate that something must be traded or given up. Work, which takes time is taken away from life experience, and it is a one or the other proposition. Furthermore, if the environment of your workplace is toxic, it steals more than just your time, it takes away energy from passion, creativity and productivity. Which has an effect on your relationships and experiences inside and outside of work. Synergy on the other hand, implies more of an exchange of energy which ultimately leads to balance and fulfillment in work and life. To me the difference lies in the culture that is created within your workplace. Depending on your place of work, you give a significant amount of your time. What if the culture of your workplace allowed you as an individual to grow while contributing to the goals of the workplace? Would it be great, if you actually looked forward to going back to work on Monday? What if your voice as an employee was heard and your ideas and contributions were valued and implemented?

To me there are 3 ingredients that contribute to a culture that creates Work Life Synergy:

1) Communication - Each individual has a voice within the organization and feels safe expressing that voice. There is clear, effective, two way communication upwards and downwards that shares business results and changes. Each individual has tools for managing or dissolving conflict and feels confident in giving feedback to peers and leadership. There is recognition of a job well done, and opportunities for improvement.

2) Connection - There is a high level of engagement in the organization which is created by a clear vision which is linked to communication. Each individual knows where they stand and where the business stands. There is a structure of support and comraderie amongst employees. Employees have "fun" at work.

3) Creativity - Obstacles and challenges are creatively solved. Creativity is honoured and ideas and contributions are valued. Creativity translates to bottom line results which impact the future wellnes of the business.

How does the culture of your workplace measure up?

Growing together in relationships can be challenging, especially when your only perspective comes from what you are experiencing. Although I am writing this in the context of an intimate relationship the same would apply to a close friendship or even a close working relationship. The idea of looking at a relationship from the perspective of  a "Sandbox" can be helpful in understanding the dynamics of what can happen. Generally speaking, a sandbox usually has a border or frame to keep the sand from spilling out onto the grass. This border represents, boundaries or agreements that can be helpful in co-creating a relationship. Agreements like, how will we design our impact when we are in conflict? What will we do if "X" happens? Yet, in relationships we often jump into the relationship without stopping at any point to create and design this border together. Furthermore, when things go sideways in a relationship we don't know how to move through the clutter and chaos that can be created. Imagine a sandbox overflowing with toys and junk. How can you play in the sand when there is all this mess. Yet when we are in conflict or flow is not happening, it can feel just like this. One partner, may be standing outside of the sandbox, telling the other person to clean up their mess. The other partner may clean up a small portion of the sandbox and act like they cleaned the entire sandbox. Or perhaps they are unable or unwilling to clean up any part of the sandbox because from their perspective everything is perfect. The interesting part is that all of these perceived perspectives can be absolutely true for that person. How do you get the sandbox cleaned up?

The answer to that question is definitely complex. Yet, I do feel there are some things that can really help the process.

1) Is there a genuine interest in both partners to clean up the sandbox, even if the perception is that everything is fine? If the answer is "YES" you can move on.

2) Is each partner willing to look at themselves and accept responsibility for their contribution? This may become clear over time.

3) Is each partner willing to drop, emotion, assumptions, judgement and try to listen to what the other partner is saying / sharing?

4) Are you willing to either step out of the sandbox together and gain a different perspective or step into the sandbox together?

5) Are you willing to ask for help, support and guidance? To quote my friend Lynda. "You don't get extra credit for doing it alone" Asking for and allowing help and support is not failure, it is strength. 

If you stop long enough to notice, you may ask yourself at times, why is this happening again? This, being some sort of event or situation that occurs with the same theme or circumstances. It has been my experience, that lessons that go unlearned will inevitably repeat themselves over and over until you understand what is meant to be learned. It would seem to me that we are here on this earth to learn what it is like to live the human experience and experience growth while remembering and connecting to our spirit. More specifically, I would also say that situations may continue to occur after you have learned your lesson and it will be your response or reaction that will have changed the most. Let me give you an example. One of the themes in my life has been speaking my truth or speaking up in a situation. If I look back years ago, I can think of situations where I was impacted and everyone else around me was impacted because I would vocally share the story with anyone willing to listen. There was an emotional impact on friends and family because I was unwilling to address the situation directly. As the years went on the theme would continue except my response started to go to the extreme opposite. I remember having a performance review in which I did not like the feedback that was being given. I immediately dug in my heels and shared exactly how I was feeling, which included inappropriate demands and comments. Again there would also be an emotional impact on those around me who had to listen to the story afterward.

To use the teeter totter as a metaphor, I went from one side (not addressing the issue directly) to the extreme of the other side (inappropriate direct response) The overall journey however allowed me to find the middle of the teeter totter which is a balanced place that allows me to access the range of emotions in an appropriate manner depending on the circumstance. The lessons continued so that I could experience the fullness of this range. Each time I would find myself in a situation not feeling good about the result. This would cause me to stretch and find a better way to respond. Eventually over the years I found the middle of the teeter totter.

The next time you find yourself in a situation that you have experienced before, ask yourself some questions...

Why is this happening again?

What am I meant to learn?

How could I have responded differently?

What impact is this situation having on me and those around me?

What will I do differently in the future?

I feel very lucky to call Squamish, British Columbia my home. I will have lived here for 15 years in May. I have seen Squamish grow exponentially in those 15 years. Every single day I encounter amazingly powerful individuals who are trying to make a difference in this wonderful town that has visions of becoming a city while remaining the hidden gem that it is. What continues to challenge me is that we are a community that is geographically challenged in the sense that there are distinct neighbourhoods that are quite far apart. This geographic separation seems to also have an effect on the sense of community that exists here in Squamish. In addition there is a significant portion of the community that commutes outside of the community for work. I have lived in 4 of the different neighbourhoods in Squamish during my 15 years. The question that continually crosses my mind is how can we "connect" as a community? What is missing that would connect all these amazing people under the umbrella of Squamish?

Well I am pretty sure that I won't be running for Mayor, politics aren't my passion. I also won't pretend that I have a solution to the problem that I am observing. It does really make me wonder though, what are the ingredients of a community that is connected? I will also clarify that the essence of community exists in a household, your workplace, the sports team or any association or group that you may be a part of.

So here are what I feel are the ingredients of a community.....as you read this think of a workplace.

A Shared Vision - By shared vision I don't think it needs to be a vision that is necessarily agreed upon by everyone. I do think it is a vision that in someway speaks for the collective group and includes common goals and honours shared values beliefs and interest. A vision that takes into consideration the needs and creativity of the individuals. There is a collective understanding withing the community that regardless of agreement I know exactly where we are headed. There is an assumption that on an individual basis decisions have been made that imply that each individual wants to be a part of the community.

A Voice - Each individual has an opportunity by choice to participate and share their individual thoughts and contribute. They feel that they can share their thoughts in a way that is productive and that they can be heard and that on some level if not their voice, ideas and contributions are listened to, valued and become a part of the solution. There is some system formal or informal that facilitates this process.

Communication - There is a clearly identifiable communication system that everyone is aware of, has access to and provides a one stop answer for questions and provides the necessary updates and information for day to day transactions. This would include a reliable sources for resources, information and reference material that is relevant for the community. Nobody gets left behind.

Events - there are events that allow individuals in the community to connect with one another and showcase the unique contributions that individuals offers the community. Everybody can choose to attend because they know these events are happening. There is a sense of belonging and a sense of pride at these events.

Feedback - Each individual needs to know where they are in regards to the shared vision. How are we doing? What action still needs to be taken? Has the plan changed? How can I help? Where do I fit in? Are we reaching our targets / goals?

That's my .32 cents!!!

This month marks the One year anniversary of "Owning Your Voice". Although it has been a year of clarifying this brand and what it means to me and to you, Owning Your Voice represents a lifetime of stories, experiences and learning that I have had over my 41 years on this earth. I sat down a while back and connected to all those stories and many of them are examples of times when I didn't have a voice or that I used my voice in a way that wasn't of service to a higher good. I am so grateful for all of these experiences as they continue to lead me towards a deeper understanding of the fact that, "I have a Voice" and that you have a voice and that ultimately our voices together can change the world as we know it.

I want to share with you my journey of the last few months. I have been in a leadership role in the food service industry for the last 25 years. Somewhere around the end of November my body began to say "NO". I had a strong feeling of anxiety while at work. Anxiety is something that is not a stranger to me yet it was something that had not been present for a long time. So, when it showed up I immediately knew that something was wrong. I took a weekend off and spent time in nature and connected to myself. I returned to work on the Monday and again the feeling returned. I knew that I had to take action and I didn't really know what that was. I ended up going to the medical clinic and got a doctor's note for one week off which ultimately led to 3 months off of work. I quickly realized that this was the first time in 25 years that I had actually stopped what I would call "doing".... I am rarely sick and I rarely missed work over the years. During this time off I began to see and experience life differently. I enjoyed being able to take my kids to school in the morning or the joy of not waking up to an alarm clock. Or the freedom to take part in activities or events that I would not have been able to experience in the past because of work. As I neared the end of this time off I began to realize that I wasn't willing to go backwards I wanted to continue to enjoy life in the way I had been. The thought of going back to work as a manager just didn't align with all the new awareness I had gained. In the end with the help of some wonderful friends I was able to see a new perspective or possibility. I recently made the decision to return to work on a part time basis in an hourly role which allows me to have the perfect balance between the things I loved about my work and my ultimate passion which is "Owning Your Voice" By working part time I get to continue to take my kids to school during half the week and manage my schedule in a way that meets my needs. This is very exciting!!

I want to thank all of the people that continue to follow "Owning Your Voice on Facebook or Twitter and through my newsletter. Your positive comments have been inspiring. Thank you to all of the folks who missed me at work and were concerned about my well being. I look forward to seeing you all again when I return this week. Thank you to everyone who stopped me in the grocery store for a chat and said "Good for you for listening to your body" Most of all thank you to all of those friends who have truly been there for me over the last few months I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such compassion and unconditional love and support.

This journey is far from over, physically I have a goal to lose 100 pounds. I have however, already shed a tremendous amount of the invisible weight I was carrying by taking 3 months to connect to me. Below, I share a great theme song for the journey of life.

As technology continues to advance the definition of community and connection seems to change. Is chatting on Facebook true connection? I guess that is a question that each of us need to answer on our own. For me, I desire more face to face connection that has meaning and involves community. Merriam-Webster defines community as: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location. Our place of residence is a community and there are sub – communities that exist for special interests, mountain biking, climbing, dancing, arts, music etc. Within each of those communities there are opportunities to help and support each other as well as experience things that bring us joy. Each community can become a support structure as we move through life, an opportunity to share our strengths as well as strengthen our weaknesses. Our place of work is also a community, in most cases this is where we spend a significant portion of our time. I really believe that we are meant to connect to each other in meaningful ways that allows all the possibilities of creativity to flourish. We each hold a piece of the puzzle that will influence our communities as well as the world we live in. When we come together through community we have an opportunity to see how our individual pieces contribute to the whole. This can create outcomes that would not be possible without connection. When I lead workshops one of the powerful truths that often come to the surface for the participants is the knowing that they are not alone and that others are facing the same challenges. From this place there is an opportunity to create something together that is much more significant than something we try and achieve on our own. The formula for this type of creativity is 1+1=3... 3 because the two individuals each contribute something unique to the end result.

Henry Kimsey-House is one of the co- founders of The Coaches Training Institute which is where I did my coach training. This video does a great job of explaining co-active coaching principles.